Very OT, looking for advice about going to a funereal...

[cnedaria]

This is a little stream of consciousness, and I'm using you guys as a therapist, so bear with me...

My stepmother's mother died unexpectedly yesterday. (Background--I'm not close to my dad & step: we're very different people and they don't really "get" us. Plus I eloped which screwed up all the plans my stepmom had for the wedding in her garden that she had mapped out. But I've known her for 30 years and her mother always used to send us cards and stuff and treated my kids like grandkids even though they only met once.)

ANYWAY, the funereal is next Sat., but when I talked to my father today he seemed to be actively trying to get me NOT to come, and pretty strongly hinted that the kids would not be welcome. I can understand the kids part kinda--my kids are just 5 and 8 and some people don't like dealing with kids at a service. But he said many things like "you don't have to come". "There's no need for you to drive down here" etc.

Part of me wants to go because this lady was "family" and I think it would be respectful and supportive to go, but I also know that I don't fit in my stepmother and father's world view (it would take forever to explain that, but basically my parents are very into appearances and "how things look" and I'm a very overweight not put together person.)

SOOO, do I drive 3 hours each way because it's the "right thing to do" and this lady was nice to me, even knowing that my stepmother would probably be happy that I DIDN'T show up because she likes to pretend I don't exist and she doesn't want to have to explain me to people. Or do I just send a card and live and let live? You'd think, since I'm 42 and I've been living with this situation for 30 years I'd have figured out the rules by now.

Sigh...

Thanks for any insight.

Jen

[bethrich]

Jen,

That's a tough one. The important thing is that going to a funeral is to support the family. So you have to evaluate whether that is what you want to do and whether they want your support.

Good luck!

[Kristen]

I typically say, just go to funerals.... but I agree its for the family. Is there anyone else besides your step-mother who it would mean a lot for you to be there? Having someone come to a funeral IM experience means A LOT. Could this remotely be some kind turning point in your relationship with your stepmother? Especially since you honestly have fond memories of her mother.

I almost picture you going, being seen, waving and turning around and go home.

Kristen

[julierealtor]

I'm sorry for your loss, family is family. You have to love family 'dynamics'. In a situation like this I usually go with my instincts and what you can live with.

[Luly]

Jen, I have a step mom now for 17 years and we have the same types of issues but ours are because I am my dad oldest daughter of 4 total children and she has 3 children (not dads) that he raised. She has issues with money and what will happen when my dad dies...NUTS! Anyway, my advice is listen to your heart. What are you going to be most comfortable with at the end of the night. Going if you are not sure you were wanted, or not going and have him go thru this alone...

Either way, I will be thinking about you and hope it goes well..

One final thing....my mother is overweight (2 knee replacement surgeries, steroids and a stroke) and I hate the way people look at her sometimes. Dont get me started on the things people say about someone who is overweight. People in general can be cruel and disgusting on the inside. No matter what the outside looks like, ONLY the inside counts.

[Cathy]

You could always just straight out ask your dad for the truth. Tell him that you want to come, but if it would make him or his wife feel uncomfortable you'll stay home. Sometimes in difficult situations it's better just to confront the problem head on. Take a deep breath and just ask.
If he says don't come, then it was his decision for you not to. If he fences about it - then I would just go because perhaps then he wants you there but doesn't know how to ask?
Step families are always a difficult situation. Good Luck!
Cathy:)

[Cathy]

Luly you are so right on personal appearances! It so matter what is on the inside than the outside.
Jen - from getting to know you this past year from the boards, you are one of the kindest and most compassionate people! I just can't imagine anyone treating you with anything other than absolute kindness!
Your dad & stepmother might be into personal apperances, but at a funeral that is hardly what anyone cares about! Especially your stepmother's friends/families. They will see a warm-hearted person who cared enough to show up to extend her heartfelt support.
Cathy

[ESIDER]

Jen, every family has "messed up" dynamics. Mine included. I have barely talked to my bro and sisters since my father died 1.5 years ago. My neice (we are 4 years apart) and I used to be best friends... I have talked to her a handful of times and have seen my two great nephews even less. Why? I have no idea. We all live within a 5 - 7 mile radius. Half of them didn't come to my wedding reception last year and not one cares an iota about what is going on in my life. I recently called them (about 3 weeks ago) and told them I was pregnant. I am not sure they were interested. We'll see if they come to my baby shower next month. I don't get calls on my birthday or invited to their get-togethers. Obviously I did something to them, or so they think. It is sad. I have done nothing wrong and if anything, got left holding the bag one last time. I miss them but have tried my best and am finished now. They are the ones who have come to this decision not me.

With that said, I think you should do what is right for you and forget about the screwed up dynamics that make up that side of your family. Don't you worry one bit what they think of your appearance. You are who you are you are and many people love you just just that way! I am sure, your DH and boys wouldn't trade you for anything in the world and THAT is what matters, not what your step and those others think.

It sounds like you want to go because that is what you feel is right. You are a caring and compassionate person who respects life and the decision your father made over 30 years ago to become a part of that family. I say make the drive, pay your respect and be on your way. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out affair just a few short mins if you choose. No one has to "explain" anything. Your conscience will be clear and I think you'll be glad you did.

I hate these types of dilemas, they are so physically and emotionally draining. Good luck to you and with whatever you decide.

[pbp908]

Jen - Do what you can live with. If you go, it's a sign of respect for your step-mother's mom, not as a sign of respect for wicked step-mom's life-style. Since she's so into appearances, if you do go - hold your head up, conduct yourself as a lady, be polite to her in expressing your condolences and then leave. If you don't go, send a lovely arrangement with a heartfelt message attached. Either way would be "correct" and would leave you above reproach. (Darn I sound like "Miss Manners.")

Pam

[ChristyB]

Whatever you decide {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[paddlegal]

Jen I'm sorry for the loss in your family and the situation this now causes you to be in. Like Cathy, my first thought is just come out and ask your dad what your step mom's preference would be. Explain that you felt a closeness to her mom and wish to pay respects. You certainly don't have to spend a long time there inspite of the long drive.

Most of all, what would be best for you? If by going you are only going to put yourself in emotional harms way I don't think that you need to do that to yourself. You can always send a beautiful handmade card to the family or send a donation to her favorite charity. There are many things you can do without making this any harder on yourself and probably your own family. I would be worried that going to this kind of gathering would be an invitation to bring up issues that you should not have to deal with, ever. Many years ago DH and I attended his mother's funeral and without going into any details it was beyond belief just how unnecessarily painful it was for the both of us.

These kind of situations often have no-win results what ever you do...so do what is best for you.

Take care of yourself,
Hugs

[Sharonv]

Not that I am an expert on funerals (I can't deal with death!) but I would not go if you feel that he was saying not to. I would send flowers and a card. Cathy was right though, just ask him straight out if you would be welcome to attend. If he says no, then they cannot say in later years, you did not even turn up.

[Cyndy]

I'm in agreement with the body of comments so far. Luly is right -- it's the heart of the matter; go with your heart. I'll add one more thought: people usually don't know what they want in this situation and they often don't respond in a way that is "themselves". If you feel it's the right thing for you, go ahead and go. Generally it isn't until a bunch of time afterwards that folks think back and appreciate that so and so actually came; how nice.

Either way, your decision will be right, so relax about it and just tune in to your heart.
Hugs for you!

[EDelValle]

Jen,
Go to the funeral. Fathers often say to
their kids, oh, you don't have to do this, that
or the other thing, but deep down inside they
would really like it if they did.
My DH is always telling the kids, oh, you don't
have to come over, but boy is he quiet if they
don't come. I can feel his disappointment at
not seeing them.
If you felt as if the woman was part of your
family, then treat the situation as if she were.

[julierealtor]

Jen, I remember when my mother passed away...my ex-MIL walked thru the door of the funeral home (I hadn't seen her in years) and walked right up to me and hugged me. I'll never forget that moment. I completely broke down and wept. As others have said...these are emotional times.