Very OT, looking for advice about going to a funereal...

[Paula]

Jen, you have received some sound and sensible advice from a lot of great people. I also feel you should follow your heart. You need to do what is best for yourself, and not worry what others will think or say. If you don't go, is it something that would bother you for years to come? Or, if you do go, will you only be made to feel humiliation and scorn? You should follow your gut, and things will turn out fine.

Paula

[cnedaria]

Thanks guys, you are all wise and wonderful people. I'll probably go and try to be unobtrusive. It'll make me feel like I did the right thing for the lady even if no one else appreciates the gesture.

I'm not going to subject the kids to the ordeal, though!

[n8tvtexan]

Jen I'm sorry to hear you have had this loss and have to deal with the family drama. I'm glad you've made a decision that you feel is right. Everyone gave you fantastic advice. You are so right, you are doing what is right for her, not them. ((hugs))

[neith]

I didn't read any replies... here's my take... if you are going because it's for them, don't. Instead plan another time soon to visit your stepmom alone OR with your kids... send her a card, send her a handmade little album with photos of her and her mother in it (if you can get any) or notes about all the wonderful things her mother did that you know of... she sounds really great for a step grandma to you, especially since it was at a distance... my own grandparents don't do as much unless you happen to spend holidays and birthdays with them and still you're lucky if you get a card... and that's from the side that had enough money to do better... and with a grandma who lives in my parents town and can get her cards wholesale or probably free from my parents store if she wanted... but at the same time that grandma does things for everyone, feeds us (italian) and makes extra for everyone to take home... plays with the kids, has small things to give kids if they come to her home, has mints and gum in her purse at all times for the kids (well she used to when I was little) every single time you see her, planned or unplanned... etc.

If they are nitpicky, don't worry about attending to support them. Support them another day in your own way and a way that would make them feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.... the day of the funeral is filled with far too many people for you to make that big of an impact if you aren't a big part of their everyday life or if you haven't been absent in their life for a long time. It sounds like maybe they are stressed over the funeral itself or are too worried about it being proper...not about you but just in general and don't want you to be burdened if you don't have to be... don't want guilt over you having to come so far without the kids, etc for so "little" a thing in their eyes.

Still, it has to be hurting her to deal with her mothers death and will hurt beyond the funeral. You'll help her more on other days, I'm sure. And it will be more personal and loving on another day.

If you want to go to the funeral for you and its important to you, then do go! Leave the kids, plan a side excursion to some LSSes to show that it's not a burden to you Get what you need from it. But still think about having another visit on another day with or without kids, and sending something handmade to help her celebrate her mother's life.

I do have a grandpa that I barely see... My mom says that as he got older he doesn't like being around children... He's divorced from the grandma that lives near my parents (she used to live in our house after the divorce then in one of the apartments above our store, now is in an inlaw half of my uncle's house, the passageways only unlocked on holidays or when certain mutual guests come calling).... since my grandma's everywhere, they never set foot in the same location after the divorce (I was probably 5 years old then?) until the day of my wedding!!! And as a result, he had so many times he wasn't comfortable in showing up... he'd cheated throughout the marriage and lost the respect of his kids, the grandkids all knew, etc.... we still loved him but I think the guilt shamed him too much and he mostly only spent time with my parents and the kids in our house, not my cousins (my parents, the borderline hippies, are the ones who take in all the stray humans... relatives, employees, friends of the family, etc when life throws them curveballs and are the first person all mortified and shamed people, in those same family/friend categories, come to before approaching anyone else in their family or old friends). And now that he married one of his former mistresses and my grandma's former best friend... he really went into hiding... he has come to a few other family occasions including two graduations where my grandma was and they actually talked and he called her before to ask if she'd bring his old favorite dish to the potluck dinner! So things are better... but I'm sure that he'd be all stressed dealing with a funeral now and if his wife passes before him I doubt he'd want anyone from our family to come... maybe just his siblings and her family... I think he'd just be far too stressed and embarrassed no matter how beautiful and perfect bodies some of us might have, proper manners, etc... none of that would matter, just the fact that we're from his previous marriage and he'd feel uncomfortable in a mixed group dealing with his new wife's family. (That said, I think my kids are the ONLY kids descended from him that have set foot in his home in the past 25-30 years! And when he lived closer he INVITED us and invited us again! Even though my girls were toddlers and they had umpteen breakables in the house and had poopy diapers during our visit!) so it's not about being uptight, but more about his own personal shame over the failed marriage and feeling a lot more comfortable just in small groups with us where he knows we won't be angry with him or carry resentment.... personally, his ex wife, my grandma, used to hate me with a passion because I talked back to her once as a 5 year old... so I don't think I could have handled marriage to her... but I would never have gone about things the way he did.... even if I were Catholic like they were back then, I'd have had a divorce much earlier, not after raising 5 kids past high school when the marriage died long before the last kid was born. And never cheating... but I wasn't there, it's over and done, it was another era where divorce was worse in their eyes than the cheating and loveless marriage... In my eyes an earlier divorce would have actually demonstrated them loving one another enough to part ways before it got so ugly.

I have no idea what your father's circumstances are, whether he has that kind of shame and is to embarrassed to explain it to you, or if they are just hung up over really silly things and don't get that it can hurt the ones that they love. But, if it at all could be like what my grandfather goes through emotionally... then maybe my ramble can help you?

[neith]

Jen, I remember when my mother passed away...my ex-MIL walked thru the door of the funeral home (I hadn't seen her in years) and walked right up to me and hugged me. I'll never forget that moment. I completely broke down and wept. As others have said...these are emotional times.

Julie.. that is just beautiful!

I know that my grandma used to get that love from her exhuband's family (that would be my flesh and blood grandpa's family) long after they divorced and they were part of her kids' lives while they were alive even though my grandpa, their dad, was barely in their lives (they were all over 18 when my grandparents finally divorced). Gosh, my sister's ex husband was caught cheating on her my my little brother and her own oldest son, with the lifeguard at their apartment complex while my family was visiting for just 1 week... And I don't think they'd been married for more than 3 years at that point, maybe just over? (Her oldest son was his stepson and her baby was his child.) But to this day, about 15 years later, she loves her ex sister in law like a best friend sibling and goes on visits to their home in texas, staying there when she lived far off... and with her ex mother in law... without her kids! She loathes her ex husband, but his family are still like they are inlaws I hope I can be like that for my kids if they ever marry and divorce!

[Holly]

Hi Jen-- there has been some good advice sent your way here.

If you feel you want to go to respect that lady who treated you as a grandchild. Do it. But don't stay around looking for some hint of love or approval. And I agree a hundred percent in not subjecting your children to that atmosphere. After all-- It is for her you come. not for yourself.

I think if your dad calls you, there must be some love there. He may just want to please his wife and so lets it all just happen, not knowing how to stop it. And sometimes a father doesn't want to cause his daughter any pain, and so is truly trying to forestall any unpleasantness. He is older now, and maybe would love to see you.
Who knows-- maybe he has forgiven you years ago and you just didn't know it. Or maybe-- he doesn't even see a need for forgivness, to him it just was something that happened, and since he couldn't change it, he accepted it.
Maybe the nastiness is all from the stepmom, as you have noted. That's why it is important to not stay and get in her way. Show up only at the funeral, stay as long as is necessary, and leave. If your dad approaches you--see how he is and judge his interaction with you. After all, he just might like to know his grandchildren. Just let it happen, don't look for anything. Don't seek it out. Then if something good comes of it--you are OK, but if nothing good happens, you are not hurt again.

Take care of you and your DH and children first. That is what matters now. Not the stuff of years ago.

[LadyJaine]

I would say only go if you feel you need to attend the funeral to say goodbye, or to get some closure on that portion of your life. If you want to support the family, there are other ways you could do that, without subjecting yourself to scorn or any other emotional nasty they want to toss your way.

If they can't see the beauty in you, that's their problem. I see it every time I hear you speak about some difficult emotional topic.

[Kristen]

Jen-
Been thinking about you. Did you go? I pray for peace for you on whatever decision you made.
Hugs,
Kristen

[cnedaria]

Thanks for thinking of me!

I actually didn't go, which wound up best for us as a family, and I didn't have to deal with all the drama in person. But I sent flowers and talked to my dad the night before. He had been telling me that my step mother was thinking she wouldn't make it through the service and I gave him the Eleanor Roosevelt quote about a woman being like a teabag and he apparently told her that and it gave her comfort and they also wound up using it in her speech (it was very true about her mother). So dad called me after the service and told me that the flowers were beautiful and that we had helped them that day so I feel good about the whole thing.

I did, however, spend an ENTIRE therapy session on Friday crying about my choices and felt soooo guilty Sat. morning. I don't know WHY it is not possible for me to give myself permission to be OK with my own life. Geeze, get over myself already!

This baggage stuff is hard to get rid of!

I really appreciate everyone's opinions and support--you guys are an amazing family!

Jen

[Cathy]

Jen, It sounded like things worked out for you after all; even though it was tough decision making along the way.

What you need is a little scrapbooking or card making therapy!

Cathy:)